Unconventional Strategies for Growth: Parenting

Becoming a parent is never mentioned in self-improvement books. It should be.

Parenting is definitely not something that I would have associated with the “personal growth and development” category. Until I became a parent myself. And got a few years of experience doing it.

To be completely honest, for the first year as a new parent, I was completely oblivious (in denial?) to how much my life had changed.

But having a few years of experience now in growing tiny humans, in this article, I reflect on the ways I’ve grown. I hope it will accomplish one of two things: either it will help you notice your own superpowers you’ve developed, or it will bring you a sense of hope that there’s something worthwhile and permanent that comes from the struggles of being a parent that is more lasting than baby snuggles.

‘Cause parenting is quite a journey.

Starting on a Bumpy Off-Road Dirt Path

As a 20-something-year-old strolling down the park across my college dorms, I often saw families having picnics, moms taking cute pictures of their babies, and dads kicking the ball with their tweens. From the outside, parenting seemed like cruising down the highway with adaptive cruise control and lane assist on. It seemed easy, smooth sailing.

So when it was my turn to have my kiddos, the “natural next step for me” didn’t turn out to be that natural. I didn’t anticipate how difficult it’d be for me to get into the groove. I loved my child, but I didn’t love being a mom. Surviving a day with an infant didn’t feel like an accomplishment.

Like I mentioned before, for the first year as a new parent, I was completely oblivious (in denial?) to how much my life had changed. After my maternity leave and getting back to work, I acted as if not much had changed, and my over-achieving self was chasing yet another promotion. Clearly, I didn’t know how to navigate this transition into parenthood, so I just kept doing what I was used to doing in the past.

Until, out of nowhere, I burst into tears on a sunny September day. In the most unexpected place: a one-on-one meeting with my manager.

It hit me.
Hard.

At first, I was surprised by what was even happening.

Me?
Crying?!
At work?!?
In front of my boss?!?!?

I never thought I’d be unable to keep my cool at work and act so unprofessional.

The sudden realization hit me—it was finally time to stop pretending that not much had changed when, in reality, my world was completely different now.

It literally felt like I started my parenting journey on a bumpy off-road dirt path full of mud. It was anything but easy. But with the perspective I’ve gained over the recent years, I can see that this experience was a blessing in disguise.

Without it, I wouldn’t have started talk therapy.

Without it, I wouldn’t have gained the understanding of how I became who I was and how I could shape who I wanted to be.

Without it, I wouldn’t have become fascinated by human psychology and the way our brains work, which led to my transition to coaching and inspired my book, “Brain Refactor.”

Initially, having kids wasn’t cruising for me. And I’m glad.

If I were cruising, I’d be going down the highway just following the signs and doing what everyone else is doing. Instead, that bumpy off-road dirt path has led me down some unexpected routes and serendipitous trails I wouldn’t have discovered otherwise.

Forget Who You Once Were

As I held my firstborn in my arms, sitting upright in the hospital bed minutes after he was born, my life was forever changed. Although I didn’t fully realize it then.

Before that moment, I could prioritize my career goals and aspirations or just choose to stay longer at the office to wrap up a solution to an interesting problem I was solving. I could prioritize hanging out with friends, traveling, going to the gym, or staying up all night having fun.

I could do whatever I wanted to do.

After that moment, a big shift had to happen. I had to forget who I was and what I wanted.

I had to forge a completely new identity capable of bracing for all of the unknowns that raising children brings about. I had to adapt.

And not just once. Every time one of my kids entered a new stage, even if I thought I had it somewhat figured out, new challenges emerged, and I had to adapt yet again.

Parenting is a trial by fire.

The superpower here is adaptability—the ability to maneuver around the flames of uncertainty, unpredictability, and constant change.

Learn Psychology

They say that “babies don’t come with an instruction manual,” and I get how my parents and their generation could’ve used that phrase since I was raised pre-Internet.

But in recent years, I’ve started to see this as an excuse from parents who want to avoid understanding human psychology for the fear they might learn something about themselves they might not like.

There’s so much that we’ve learned about brain development in recent years, and that research is so easily accessible! From researching science on Google’s Scholar page through thousands of books on Amazon to online courses for parents.

Observing the little humans in my care, I immersed myself in books and online articles that would help me follow along and understand the phases they were going through (for example, I loved Tracy’s articles and courses at raisedgood.com, and I followed Mr Chazz’s socials).

It’s so much easier to parent when you understand what is going on in those little brains and what stage of development they’re at. Interestingly, as you learn about their development, you get to understand so much about yourself, too.

Things like…

How do you model certain behaviors?
Are your needs met?
What are your triggers?
What’s your attachment style?
What’s your communication style?
What are your deeply held values?
Why do you act the way you do?
How did your environment growing up influence all that?

When you dive into understanding kids’ psychological development, you develop the superpower of awareness. You learn how you became who you are today and how you can consciously shape who you want to be tomorrow.

Notice Emotions in a New Way

It was a beautiful, sunny afternoon when my then 4-year-old first screamed and punched his older brother in his left arm, feeling very angry after he lost his turn to play with a toy in a rock-paper-scissors bet.

“Thank goodness we’re at home and not in public,” I thought, taking a deep breath.

And then… Just as suddenly as it appeared, his emotional outburst was gone. He noticed something and then excitedly said, “Look!” while pointing at two squirrels running around in our backyard. Both kids forgot all about the toy and started just watching the squirrels.

Kids feel freely and are unbounded in their expression of feelings. Within literally just a few minutes, you can witness a kaleidoscope of emotions—from explosive laughter through profound sadness to a deep thoughtfulness related to the intricacies of animal life.

As a parent, you literally get a crash course in understanding the emotions of others. There’s no choice. Those emotions are there - full on display - when you’re surrounded by tiny little humans.

You also gotta master how to manage your own emotions more effectively. The hardest part for me was learning not to let my emotions get in the way when I was trying to remain calm and composed, so I could be the zen guiding light for my children.

The superpower here is the emotional intelligence.

Interestingly, this practice with my kids and the research I’ve done, affected how I was now interpreting the behaviors of other adults.

Just like when I learned to see my kids’ tantrums as a result of their unmet needs combined with their inability to express cry for help in any other way. Clearly, according to the psychological research I was reading, they didn’t have the skills, the awareness, or the knowledge to ask for help in any other way.

It turns out that adults act just the same. They do the best they can with the skills, awareness, and knowledge they have to meet their needs. With this shift in perspective, I've gained a lot of compassion and empathy for others.

Now, an adult tantrum no longer felt like a personal attack but a reflection of who they were, the skills, awareness, and knowledge they did or didn't have. And it left a lot of room for compassion, too. Perhaps they’re acting out and being rude to me because they are fighting an invisible battle I know nothing about, and their needs aren’t being met.

This is not to say I would now allow others to step all over me. On the contrary. I became a master at setting boundaries. Which leads us to the next set of superpowers.

Practising Limits and Pushing Boundaries

Having toddlers presents so many opportunities to practice setting boundaries in so many different ways.

Toddlers are naturally curious and explorative, often testing limits and boundaries as they learn about the world around them. My role as a parent was to teach my kiddos about appropriate behaviors by setting clear and consistent boundaries (related to things such as sharing toys, following routines, or respecting personal space).

I’ll be the first to admit - we practiced way more than I would’ve liked to.

And, quite often, when I reached my limits and couldn’t handle their boundary-pushing anymore, I had to set other boundaries to protect my mental health (and so I’d hand them off to their dad and leave the room for a moment). It was a fine balance of setting boundaries for them as well as boundaries for myself. So I could intentionally raise my kids while taking care of my own needs.

But the fact that we did all that helped develop my patience, resilience, and assertiveness. Another set of superpowers.

Other Superpowers

I recognize that what I listed isn’t a full and comprehensive list, but it definitely is a list of things I got much better at thanks to being a parent.

Here’s a list of other superpowers that I’ve seen in fellow parents that I’d like to master (and am currently working on):

• Time Management
  I’m really good at managing chaos and juggling changing priorities. But I’d love to optimize the non-chaotic and very predictable pockets of time that I don’t manage very well, like my evening routines (I’d love to make them less, well, random and more intentional) and effective meal planning (to cut down the time spent on grocery shopping and meal prep).
  

• Leadership

  At its core, parenting is about leadership. And while I’m pretty good at leading by example, fostering independence, and encouraging growth in my kids, I am still working through moments of exerting control or imposing authority. (I’m currently reading “The Self-Driven Child” to grow more in this area.)
  

• Prioritization
  With competing demands and limited time and resources, tough choices need to be made about where to focus my limited energy and attention. This means distinguishing between what's urgent and what's important, what can wait and what can't, and what matters most in the grand scheme of things. I could definitely do better and squeeze more articles like this one into my schedule.

What other superpowers would you add to this list?

As a quick recap, all the superpowers I mentioned in this article were: adaptability, awareness, emotional intelligence, patience, resilience, assertiveness, time management, leadership and prioritization.

Just like Hercules, the legendary hero of Greek mythology, as a parent, you, too, become forged in the crucible of your trials that test your mental strength, resilience, and perseverance. And just like his hero journey, our parenting ones are far from easy. From adapting to new roles and responsibilities to honing emotional intelligence and leadership skills, all these superpowers supercharge our abilities to navigate life's challenges.

Tell me in the comments section below what you think of the parenting superpowers.
I’d love to hear about the ones you’ve developed!

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